Longing ♥

More often than Id like to admit, I find myself immersed in a loneliness that hangs around me like a thick fog....for the life of me I can't see past it. It is strange because I have so much and am blessed by the friendship and love of many, yet something is missing. Last night, I was reminiscing about silly memories in high school with an old friend....and he said something that kind of struck home. "I was such a better Christian in high school." It's so true! I longed for God, I pursued Him even at a public school where I was tempted to just be normal and worldly....I trusted Him to guide me and fulfill me and grow me to be who He wanted me to be....I put myself second and I was filled with His passion. I went to youth group and church and Bible study, not because I had to or because it was the right thing to do....but because I had this yearning to be more like God and less like my peers and I needed to glean everything I could from His Word. I loved the fellowship and the discussions and the studying. Where did that go?? How did I lose that. I've come to realize that I miss God...I miss feeling Him close to me, listening for whispers of wisdom or hope, and praying fervently for things I believed with all my heart He could do. Now it's as if I've pushed aside that part of me. It isn't lost, just shoved aside for my own selfish ambition. I don't want to need Him, I want to do things my own way, prove Im strong and independant. As I moved away and grew into "my own person" I grew away from God because I didn't want His help. Well ladi-freakin-da, look where that got me? I've become a half-assed Christian....doing only the minimum to get me through. Still read my Bible, still pray, still go to church, and I still love God....but somewhere along the way I stopped being IN love with Him. I want that back so badly. I want to make the RIGHT choices and stop falling (or running is more like it) into sin. I need so badly to be complete and whole in God and His love for me. I long to feel His presence in my life...to feel Him guiding my decisions and actions. I haven't felt that in a long time. I've made so many mistakes and I have dishonored the plans God had for me...but I know that He loves me even still. How amazing is that?? In order for me to grow into the woman God, Kev, my family, and my friends need me to be...who I need me to be....I need to learn to let Jesus take the reigns and control my life. I need to learn how to accept His forgiveness and see myself the way He sees me. I am beautiful. I am ashamed. I am flawed. I am worth the risk. I am His creation. I will not care about how the world views me....all that matters is how He looks only into my heart and knows my struggles, knows my weakness, knows my sin, and knows the love I am capable of. He knows every action I have ever taken, even on my darkest days, and yet He still deems me beautiful because He made me. That humbles me because I am so unworthy. So I will let his grace flow upon me and comfort me, sustain me, mold me, and make me more into His image so that I become less like me.
Lord, starting today instill in me Your peace and help me to become who You want me to be....because that is what I need for myself. Teach me to cleave to you in the good times....not only when I am in need. And grow me in Your love so that I may show others that even though I have fallen, failed miserably, and hit rock bottom, Irose up with Your strength and trusted you to change me and fill me with your passion and love for others. Show me how to love those around me better and open my heart to accept everything, good or bad, that You have already set in motion for my life. Teach me to be a good girlfriend, friend, partner, wife, (whatever You have planned) for Kevin and help me to follow where He leads, because Lord, I see you in Him every single day and I am blessed by his love for me. Though we struggle and fall away from you at times, we need you to be the center of who we are as individuals and as a couple. Grow us in you. Because at the end of the day, it's not about us or how amazing we are together, it is about how we can glorify you and follow the path you have set before us. Amen.
(P.S. I don't pray out loud, so that's about as outspoken as you are gonna get.) ;)


These are some verses from songs that have helped me through the last couple weeks....thought I would share. ♥

It takes me fully falling to the ground
To admit to fully needing You
- BarlowGirl

You will be safe in His arms
You will be safe in His arms
Because the hands that hold the world
Are holding your heart
This is the promise He made
He will be with you always
When everything is falling apart
You will be safe in His arms
- Phil Wickham

Light up, Light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you can not hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear
- Snow Patrol

Why should I worry?
Why do I freak out?
God knows what I need
You know what I need
Your Love is,
Your Love is,
Your Love is Strong
Two things You told me:
That You are Strong and You Love me
Yes, You Love me
- Jon Foreman

When hope is lost
I'll call You Savior
When pain surrounds
I'll call You Healer
When silence falls
You'll be the song within my heart
In the lone hour of my sorrow
Through the darkest night of my soul
You surround me
And sustain me
My defender forevermore
When hope is lost
I'll call You Savior
When pain surrounds
I'll call You Healer
When silence falls
You'll be the song within my heart
And I will praise You
I will praise You
When the tears fall
Still I will sing to You
I will praise You
Jesus, praise You
Through the suffering
Still I will sing
When hope is lost
I'll call You Savior
When pain surrounds
I'll call You Healer
When silence falls
You'll be the song within my heart
When the laughter fails to comfort
When my heart aches
Lord are you there?
When confusion is all around me
And the darkness is my closest friend
Still I will praise You
Jesus, praise You
- Tim Hughs

You keep trying to get inside my head
As I keep trying to lose the words You said
Can't you see I'm hangin by a thread?
Tell my life what I know
Yeah, I'm losing control
And Oh No
My walls are gonna break
So close
It's more than I can take
I'm so tired of turning and running away
When Love just isn't safe
You're not safe
"I'm strong enough"
I've always told myself
"I never wanna need somebody else"
But I've already fallen from my hill
So I'm dropping my guard
Here's Your chance at my heart
And, Oh No
My walls are gonna break
So close
It's more than I can take
I'm so tired of turning and running away
When Love just isn't
Everything you want
But it's everything you need
It's not always happy endings
But it's happy in between
It's taken so long
So long to finally see
That Your Love is worth the risk
Oh No
My walls are gonna break
Oh No
My walls are gonna break
So close
It's more than I can take
I'm so tired of turning and running away
When Love just isn't safe
Oh No
My walls are gonna break
So close
It's more than I can take
I'm so tired of turning and running away
When Love just isn't safe
You're not safe
And that's okay
- Britt Nicole