Help

Lord, help me to not be such a HUGE girl all the time. Help me to act, and think, and feel like a grown-up. I feel like I can't do anything right. I'm discouraged and feel alone. I get my feelings hurt so easily and it is frustrating. But Lord, could you also help people to understand me a little better?? Let them see things like I do once in a while, because right now I feel like I am the only one who see's life my way. Everyone else is at a different speed and on a different track. Could you give me some company because I'd really like to have some companionship in this boat. Help me not to obsess. But help me to keep heart. Because Lord, I'm failing miserably. Help me to be who YOU want me to be. I just want to feel like I'm doing something right, or that I'm in the right place. I guess all I'm really just asking is: HELP??

I see your blue eyes Everytime I close mine You make it hard to see Where I belong to When I'm not around you

Kev has been gone for almost 10 days now. Watching him leave was the hardest part. I've actually been doing surprisingly well. Well except for when I stay up too late, or I think about how much I ache to see him or to be in his arms....or just to be NEAR him even.....sometimes just when I breathe. In those moments all I can do is pray. Because I promised that whenever I thought about him or started to miss him I had to pray for him. And in those praying moments, my last thoughts to Jesus usually conclude with a "And PLEASE Lord, let him hurry up and marry me already. Amen." 10 days down....18 to go.

Unstable??

So lately I've been realizing I am kind of an emotional wreck. No, seriously though....I really am. Take movies for instance, if there is a part where someone is crying or might cry I WILL cry. It's pretty sad. Books are the same....even songs! Am I just weird or does this happen to other people too?? I feel like a crazy person. But in real life situations I am SO sensitive too! Lately if I think about something sad I will pretty much start to tear up. There is definitely somethin wrong here!! :) I dunno maybe I am just a big baby. All I know is that I am emotional.....almost to the point of being emotionally unstable. Not like bipolarity or anything like that! Just seriously sensitive. Anyone have any helpful tips on how to not be such a HUGE girl all the time?? :)

GoneAway

He asks, "Why are you so afraid?" and I don't know what to say. How do I respond without sounding desperate. Desolate. "Because I need you." We both hear the desperation in my voice and I feel ashamed. I should be stronger. Yet the thought of him being far away frightens me and leaves me feeling sad and alone. Not caring if I seem crazy, I stammer, "What if I need you? What happens when I miss you so much it hurts and you aren't here? And what do I do if you need me and I can't get to you? You will be gone and I will be here....alone....well not alone exactly, but lonely." He smiles at me that sweet smile of understanding and cups my cheeks with his warm hands. I look away feeling the tears gathering in my eyes. Softly he speaks, "Look at me." And so I look. Deep into his eyes. Eyes that have watched me dance and walk along the beach. Eyes that have seen all of my silly faces. Eyes that have searched my soul and still love what they see. Those deep blue eyes that see through me to the woman I long to be. And he gently wipes at my tears with his thumb. "I'm not leaving forever. In fact I will be here with you every single day. Because wherever you are, that is where my heart is. We will be okay, my love. We will be okay." And I know that in my heart. We will make it through the miles that separate us. But I say to him, "I will miss you with everything I am. With every breath I take. And with all of my heart. But I will be here waiting for you when you come back to me. Loving you all the more for taking chances and making a way for us. For our life together one day. But just so you know.....it better be soon." And I smile through my tears. He hugs me close to him. I fear that if he lets go I may crumble...but I will be strong for him. I am determined. I will go on keeping myself busy and taking care of things that need to be done. But while he is away I will ache for him. To be in his arms. To kiss him tenderly. Though he is in a different city I will feel him near. And I will be sending all my love to him. ♥

Today I find myself...

In great company! After driving 5 and a half hours to Pleasanton (a four hour drive when you are not in a hybrid car), we arrived at Kate and Tom's house then headed to dinner at Red Robbin. :D Tomorrow we celebrate Elodie Grace Markley's First birthday. (Her real birthday is Tuesday, as I have been so lovingly reminded by the bf.) So crazy! I was there for her birth. She was and continues to be the most beautiful and sweet little girl in the world. I look forward to watching her grow into a gorgeous young lady....Just like her Momma, her Auntie Kate, and her Grandma. :) So goodnight all! Tomorrow brings a whole lot of Joy. ♥

Carreeeeeeeeeeeeeer!!!

I am so filled with joy and excitement as I embark on this new journey in life! Today I interviewed for a full-time hairstylist position at a salon called Bailey A's....she HIRED ME ON THE SPOT! I am so amazed and blessed by God's provision! I have been praying for this opportunity since I started beauty school, then again when I graduated from beauty school, then even further when I got my Cosmetology license.....and now 6 months later after fervently praying and applying and searching for a job, I've finally found one!! All by the grace of God. :D I am so unbelievably ecstatic! So please continue to pray for me that I would do my best at all times and that I may be a light in my workplace to show love and compassion and helpfulness to the women I work with.

P.S. Also pray for Kevin as he goes for a 2nd interview to be the Restaurant Manager of the California Pizza Kitchen in Santa Barbara! Pray that God either opens this door for him, or shows him he needs to be here and finish up his degree at Cal Poly. Either way, we are both headed toward big things bay-bay! Hehe. Thanks all 2 of you who read this....(including Kevin). :D Love ya! ♥

Ice Cream

I really want ice cream.....like super really bad right now. I'm having a giant craving....but no way to fulfill it. It is 12:30 a.m. and all of the stores within walking distance are closed. A conundrum. What shall I do?! I need ice cream. Someone help?? Kevin is mean and left me to lust after my ice cream....what a help! So I have shunned him. SHUNNNNNNN. The end.

Longing ♥

More often than Id like to admit, I find myself immersed in a loneliness that hangs around me like a thick fog....for the life of me I can't see past it. It is strange because I have so much and am blessed by the friendship and love of many, yet something is missing. Last night, I was reminiscing about silly memories in high school with an old friend....and he said something that kind of struck home. "I was such a better Christian in high school." It's so true! I longed for God, I pursued Him even at a public school where I was tempted to just be normal and worldly....I trusted Him to guide me and fulfill me and grow me to be who He wanted me to be....I put myself second and I was filled with His passion. I went to youth group and church and Bible study, not because I had to or because it was the right thing to do....but because I had this yearning to be more like God and less like my peers and I needed to glean everything I could from His Word. I loved the fellowship and the discussions and the studying. Where did that go?? How did I lose that. I've come to realize that I miss God...I miss feeling Him close to me, listening for whispers of wisdom or hope, and praying fervently for things I believed with all my heart He could do. Now it's as if I've pushed aside that part of me. It isn't lost, just shoved aside for my own selfish ambition. I don't want to need Him, I want to do things my own way, prove Im strong and independant. As I moved away and grew into "my own person" I grew away from God because I didn't want His help. Well ladi-freakin-da, look where that got me? I've become a half-assed Christian....doing only the minimum to get me through. Still read my Bible, still pray, still go to church, and I still love God....but somewhere along the way I stopped being IN love with Him. I want that back so badly. I want to make the RIGHT choices and stop falling (or running is more like it) into sin. I need so badly to be complete and whole in God and His love for me. I long to feel His presence in my life...to feel Him guiding my decisions and actions. I haven't felt that in a long time. I've made so many mistakes and I have dishonored the plans God had for me...but I know that He loves me even still. How amazing is that?? In order for me to grow into the woman God, Kev, my family, and my friends need me to be...who I need me to be....I need to learn to let Jesus take the reigns and control my life. I need to learn how to accept His forgiveness and see myself the way He sees me. I am beautiful. I am ashamed. I am flawed. I am worth the risk. I am His creation. I will not care about how the world views me....all that matters is how He looks only into my heart and knows my struggles, knows my weakness, knows my sin, and knows the love I am capable of. He knows every action I have ever taken, even on my darkest days, and yet He still deems me beautiful because He made me. That humbles me because I am so unworthy. So I will let his grace flow upon me and comfort me, sustain me, mold me, and make me more into His image so that I become less like me.
Lord, starting today instill in me Your peace and help me to become who You want me to be....because that is what I need for myself. Teach me to cleave to you in the good times....not only when I am in need. And grow me in Your love so that I may show others that even though I have fallen, failed miserably, and hit rock bottom, Irose up with Your strength and trusted you to change me and fill me with your passion and love for others. Show me how to love those around me better and open my heart to accept everything, good or bad, that You have already set in motion for my life. Teach me to be a good girlfriend, friend, partner, wife, (whatever You have planned) for Kevin and help me to follow where He leads, because Lord, I see you in Him every single day and I am blessed by his love for me. Though we struggle and fall away from you at times, we need you to be the center of who we are as individuals and as a couple. Grow us in you. Because at the end of the day, it's not about us or how amazing we are together, it is about how we can glorify you and follow the path you have set before us. Amen.
(P.S. I don't pray out loud, so that's about as outspoken as you are gonna get.) ;)


These are some verses from songs that have helped me through the last couple weeks....thought I would share. ♥

It takes me fully falling to the ground
To admit to fully needing You
- BarlowGirl

You will be safe in His arms
You will be safe in His arms
Because the hands that hold the world
Are holding your heart
This is the promise He made
He will be with you always
When everything is falling apart
You will be safe in His arms
- Phil Wickham

Light up, Light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you can not hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear
- Snow Patrol

Why should I worry?
Why do I freak out?
God knows what I need
You know what I need
Your Love is,
Your Love is,
Your Love is Strong
Two things You told me:
That You are Strong and You Love me
Yes, You Love me
- Jon Foreman

When hope is lost
I'll call You Savior
When pain surrounds
I'll call You Healer
When silence falls
You'll be the song within my heart
In the lone hour of my sorrow
Through the darkest night of my soul
You surround me
And sustain me
My defender forevermore
When hope is lost
I'll call You Savior
When pain surrounds
I'll call You Healer
When silence falls
You'll be the song within my heart
And I will praise You
I will praise You
When the tears fall
Still I will sing to You
I will praise You
Jesus, praise You
Through the suffering
Still I will sing
When hope is lost
I'll call You Savior
When pain surrounds
I'll call You Healer
When silence falls
You'll be the song within my heart
When the laughter fails to comfort
When my heart aches
Lord are you there?
When confusion is all around me
And the darkness is my closest friend
Still I will praise You
Jesus, praise You
- Tim Hughs

You keep trying to get inside my head
As I keep trying to lose the words You said
Can't you see I'm hangin by a thread?
Tell my life what I know
Yeah, I'm losing control
And Oh No
My walls are gonna break
So close
It's more than I can take
I'm so tired of turning and running away
When Love just isn't safe
You're not safe
"I'm strong enough"
I've always told myself
"I never wanna need somebody else"
But I've already fallen from my hill
So I'm dropping my guard
Here's Your chance at my heart
And, Oh No
My walls are gonna break
So close
It's more than I can take
I'm so tired of turning and running away
When Love just isn't
Everything you want
But it's everything you need
It's not always happy endings
But it's happy in between
It's taken so long
So long to finally see
That Your Love is worth the risk
Oh No
My walls are gonna break
Oh No
My walls are gonna break
So close
It's more than I can take
I'm so tired of turning and running away
When Love just isn't safe
Oh No
My walls are gonna break
So close
It's more than I can take
I'm so tired of turning and running away
When Love just isn't safe
You're not safe
And that's okay
- Britt Nicole

Wifey

Proverbs 31:10-31

A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands. She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar. She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls. She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks. She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night. In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers. She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy. When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet. She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple. Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land. She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes. She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: 'Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.' Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.



This is the type of woman and wife I desire to be... :) Just thought I would share.

Continued.... :)

I felt that I needed a picture to complete my last blog. So this would be at the end....signifying all the love and happy times we've had and that will continue on into our somewhat terrifying and exciting future as we grow together and strive to glorify God in everything we do.

Romans 8:28

"And we know that all things work together for the good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose."

Inspired

Hello all....(and by all I mean whoever it is that may read this at some point) :D
Well I started a blog in high school, but never really got around to writing in it after I graduated. So I decided I would start anew. Today is day #1 of a facebook/secular music & tv DETOX (desperately needed). I have so missed the cloud of peace thatwriting casts upon me....I am often caught up in life, "too much to do and too little time" and all that. (Which is actually a lie....I always have too much time. I just spend it doing meaningless things....hence the DETOX!)

Anyway, I've decided that starting right now I am opening a new chapter in life. It is time. If you had asked me when I was a 16 year old tomboy, soccer player who preferred Jeans and one of my dad's baggy old sweatshirts to dresses and flats....I would have never guessed that I would end up here. Back then, my main concern was who we were going to play against on Friday night and whether or not my parents would let me spend the weekend at Emily's house. You see, Em had this giant bedroom all to herself, painted neon green, complete with a papisan chair and a giant poster of Jeremy Sumpter (gasp!)....he's the kid who played Peter Pan and we both loved him. So compared to my cramped bedroom complete with a bunkbed, another twin bed, and bookshelves that I had to share with my two younger sisters....Emily's house was my escape. It was there that we would tell each other secrets and watch Monty Python movies with hommade penut butter popcorn....and I would suffer throug both Emily's infatuation with Matt Damon and her pestering little brother Samuel, who at the age of 12 was the most annoying little boy in the world (besides my 9 year old brother, Caleb, that is).
It was strange to think that all I ever wanted to be was grown up....but now that I am, I jut wish I could go back and tell 16 year old me to take her time and enjoy being young. It's what I tell my baby sister all the time. :) Don't try to speed things up, just relax and have fun with your friends....do not worry about grown up things just yet....let it be.
So, back from my tangent....I was this fit, lean teenager who just wanted high school to be over so she could move out of her 3 bedroom house stuffed with the 7 members of her family, and grow up, maybe go to school, write a book, get a good paying job, get a husband, and have lots of babies. I never thought at 20 I would be a licensed hairstylist that actually loves fashion, living in San Luis Obispo sharing a room in an apartment with my best friend since high school (you guessed it, Emily), who works part time in retail to pay SOME of the bills while she looks for a job in her actual vocation. The only part that miraculously is some what in place is the fact that I have THE most amazing boyfriend ever. Let me tell you about him:
Kevin Ford Markley....if you knew him, you would wonder how in the world I (being the klutsy, air-headed, silly, very LOUD woman I am) obtained such an awesome, Godly, funny, loving man. I still don't know, but when I figure it out, you'll be the first to know. Kev has this way about him that makes you feel like his family. You always know exactly where you stand with him because of his honesty. Spending the last year of my life with him has been an incredible blessing. He has lead me in our relationship since day 1 and continues to challenge and grow me every single day we are together. He laughs with me (and sometimes AT me), he cries with me when I am sad, and he holds me to his side and reassures me that that is where I belong. Though I do not deserve it, he is quick to forgive me of my wrongdoing and encourages me to seek God in whatever stage or phase of life I am at. He shows me of his love for me and my love for him grows with each passing day. I will never quite know how I was so blessed to have found him, but I will always be thankful because the Lord knew exactly what I needed. :)
Though I struggle and stumble, making mistake after mistake, he never leaves me and shows me that God is able to pick me up and brush away my tears, forgive my sins, and grow us as a couple. So as long as it is His will that we are together, I will cherish each moment I get to spend with the man that teaches me more about love, and about myself, than I could have possibly imagined.

So there you have it people.....that is my life thus far. Stick around....things usually get interesting in the world of Kelsey.